The Breakup Habit That Keeps You Heartbroken

After a breakup, most people know they should stop looking at their ex online. Most look anyway. New research shows what that habit costs, and the answer is more specific than "delete everything."

Social psychologist Tara Marshall ran four studies with 762 people who had recently been through a breakup (Marshall, 2026). She used follow-up surveys, an experiment, and nightly diaries to track what happened when people saw an ex on social media.

Seeing them versus searching for them

In the diary studies, Marshall separated two kinds of exposure. Searching meant deliberately pulling up an ex's profile. Seeing meant the ex simply appeared in the feed. On days people saw an ex without looking, their mood dropped that same day. On days they went searching, their breakup distress rose that day and stayed higher the next. Marshall calls it a "next day emotional hangover."

Why a feed hurts more than a memory

In the experiment, people imagined either their ex's Facebook page, their ex at work or school, or an acquaintance's page. Thinking about the ex in any setting worsened mood. Imagining the ex's social media page produced more jealousy than imagining the ex at work or school, and that jealousy carried the rise in sadness and distress. A memory stays in the past. A profile shows the ex's life right now, edited to look its best.

Who it hits hardest

People high in attachment anxiety, those who fear rejection and hold on tightly to relationships, showed a stronger link between checking on an ex and breakup distress in two of the four studies. For someone already scanning for signs of abandonment, an ex's profile supplies plenty of evidence to ruminate on.

Staying connected is not automatically harmful

In Marshall's earlier study of 464 people, those who stayed Facebook friends with an ex reported less negative feeling and longing than those who cut the connection, though they also reported less personal growth (Marshall, 2012). Staying connected and actively monitoring were different behaviors with different outcomes.

What About the Things They Left Behind?

Research on physical keepsakes is thin. One survey of 234 college students found that people who kept digital reminders of an ex, such as photos and messages, reported poorer adjustment, and that more nostalgic people kept more (Brody et al., 2020). The study measured both at once, so it can't say which came first.

Recovery still happens

In Marshall's six-month follow-up, breakup distress and jealousy declined over time for participants overall. People who checked on their ex more often reported more distress both times.

Something to consider

Unfollowing an ex won't erase the relationship. It changes what you feed your attention each day. The more useful question may be how often you go looking for them, and what you hope to find when you do.

What the research suggests you try

Stop the searches first. Deliberately looking up an ex was tied to distress that carried into the next day. Seeing them by accident was tied only to a same-day dip in mood.

Mute or unfollow. Even unplanned sightings lowered mood that day, and Marshall's findings point to muting, unfollowing, or unfriending as a way to cut down on them.

Plan for the day after. If you do look, the research suggests the hardest part may come tomorrow. Schedule something that keeps you busy and around people.

Know your attachment style. If you tend to fear rejection or hold on tightly in relationships, checking on an ex is more strongly tied to distress for you. Set firmer limits.

Put reminders in storage. Keeping photos and messages from the relationship was linked to poorer adjustment. Archive them in a folder you have no reason to open day to day.

Don't force a clean break you don't need. If the breakup was friendly, staying connected wasn't the problem in the research. Regular monitoring was.

References

Brody, N., LeFebvre, L., & Blackburn, K. (2020). Holding on and letting go: Memory, nostalgia, and effects of virtual possession management practices on post-breakup adjustment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520921460

Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10), 521-526. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0125

Marshall, T. C. (2026). Social media observation of ex-partners is associated with greater breakup distress, negative affect, and jealousy. Computers in Human Behavior, 176, 108869. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2025.108869