Six Questions to Help You Get Past the Fight You Keep Having

If you and your partner keep having the same argument, you have plenty of company. Gottman's research suggests that about two-thirds of relationship problems are perpetual and come back no matter how often a couple discusses them. The problem itself may stay. What can change is the fight around it.

Couples get stuck when each person argues for a position. Underneath every position is something that matters to the person holding it, such as a hope, a value, or a piece of history. Until that comes out, the argument keeps circling back to where it started. The six questions below are adapted from a Gottman Method exercise called Dreams Within Conflict, and they are designed to bring it out. I use them with couples in my practice.

How it works

Pick the argument you keep having and set aside about half an hour when neither of you is already upset. One of you is the interviewer and the other is the speaker. The interviewer's only job is to understand, which means no rebuttals, no fact-checking, and no proposed fixes, even good ones. At the end, the interviewer sums up what they heard and asks whether they got it right. Then you trade places.

The questions

1. What principle are you standing on here?

Most positions grow out of a rule or value. A fight about lending money to a sibling may rest on loyalty for one partner and fairness for the other. Once you can name the principle, it becomes clear why your partner won't simply let it go.

2. Where does this come from in your life?

Early family life and past relationships leave fingerprints on present arguments. A partner whose parent left without warning may need far more notice about travel plans than seems reasonable. Knowing where the reaction started helps you respond to the person and tune out the volume.

3. What makes this so important to you?

Your guess may be wrong, so let your partner say it. A request to put the phones away at dinner may turn out to be about wanting proof that you still find each other interesting.

4. What happens inside you when this comes up?

Give your partner room to name emotions that are hard to say out loud, such as embarrassment, dread, resentment, or grief. If you catch yourself preparing a rebuttal, you have stopped listening.

5. If anything were possible, what would you want here?

Ask for the version they would choose if money, family, and practicality were no obstacle. The answer is often more modest, or more tender, than the fight suggests.

6. What is this ultimately about for you?

Save this one for the end, when most people have warmed up enough to answer honestly. A fight about whether to move closer to his parents may turn out to be about what kind of son he wants to be. Once that is on the table, you are no longer arguing about a zip code.

What getting past it can look like

Getting past the argument rarely means it disappears. For some couples, a compromise becomes possible once each partner knows what the other is protecting. Others find that a dream needs to be honored more than it needs to be solved. Many find that the subject still comes up, but the conversation is shorter and kinder because both people know what is underneath it.

Start with yourself

Before you ask your partner the six questions, answer them yourself about the argument you keep having. Many people discover they have been defending a position for years without ever asking what it protects for them.