How Lovers Become Roommates

It doesn't happen right away. That would be easier. There is no defining moment you can point to, yet you know it's there. You went from lovers who couldn't wait to be in each other's arms to roommates, or silent ships barely passing in the night. The monotony runs as automatically as a robot vacuum.

Why does this happen? The statistics are against every couple. The longer two people are together, the less exciting the sex becomes. Marriage lowers it further, and so does a child. Gottman's research found that 67% of couples had a steep drop in relationship satisfaction in the first three years of their baby's life.

Meanwhile, bids for attention go unrecognized. A bid is any small attempt to connect, such as a comment, a question, or a touch. Newlyweds who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time, while those who divorced had done so 33% of the time.

Then Mr. and Mrs. Should move in. They are experts at criticizing and at cataloging all the ways a partner should be doing something different. They should know what I want. They should do the things I want to do. They should do them on my schedule. We let these thoughts run without noticing that the more attention and action we feed them, the worse they become. Eventually they crowd out the reason the two of you got together in the first place.

So it's easy to understand how you got here. Now what do you do?

First, understand that your partner is a separate person with their own goals and dreams. Being with you doesn't cancel their right to think about things in their own way. They don't have to morph into what you want. You got together because you enjoyed that person, differences included. Believing that others should become more like us, or yield to our needs, is part of the problem. Couples can influence each other, but neither should lose their identity and quirks in the process. That is how you arrive at the moment, 30 years down the line, when one person realizes they have lost themselves, decides you are the cause, and leaves.

Next, look at effort. If there is no effort, there is no relationship. The beginning feels effortless because hormones are doing the work. We make time for the person. We do extra things because we want to keep them. Once we have them, that drive fades on its own schedule, and there lies the trap. A relationship without continuous effort is headed for monotony at the very least.

Finally, create new rituals. As people age they stop trying new things. They forget that life is exciting because they have mistaken routine for living. The antidote is to start doing things together. Take a dance class. Then pick a day when each of you does something completely separate, like a new hobby, something that makes you grow. You bring those experiences back to the couple.

The aim is unity with an appreciation for the differences, along with the understanding that there will be differences you don't appreciate. Your partner does not have to be perfect, and you don't get to assign them the job of trying. Couples who insist on it tend to get the disaster they were trying to prevent.